1. Why you never say the word hair at the table while a toddler is eating.
2. How to make the one last baby wipe in the container do things one poor lonely wipe was never intended to do.
3. The complex mechanics, athleticism, and grace required to cradle a sanity-saving cup of coffee in one hand while backing through a narrow doorway, holding the door open with your rear end, all while steering the stroller one-handed and herding a second (and possibly third and fourth, God help us) child(ren) with a spare pinky finger.
4. Diaper pails DO NOT WORK, no matter how expensive they are, or how extravagant their claims about how the aerodynamic pail also serves as a night light, smoke detector and life raft, and how it can count the number of dirty diapers in Chinese, Spanish, and Arabic, and trap odor and lock it inside a fresh-scented bag. Fresh-scented, my foot. Fresh as a landfill in July.
5. Dirty laundry breeds in the night.
6. There really is no need to rinse off a pacifier that falls to the ground, unless other people are around to watch you and judge your parenting.
7. All those “experts” who claim they know how to get kids to eat a well-rounded diet filled with exotic organic vegetables every color of the rainbow are either a) lying, or b) engaging in dangerous force-feeding behavior, most likely involving pliers.
8. Those white outfits we can’t resist buying our children because they look oh-so-adorable in family beach photos . . . yeah, they’ll only be worn once. After that, they’ll be brown and white polka-dotted outfits. (We understand this . . . but still we buy them. Blame your friends’ daggum beach photos.)
9. You should never sniff or lick any brown substance you find on your kitchen table, even if you’re SURE it is chocolate pudding. (Yep. Learned this the hard way.)
10. The kids’ rooms in Pottery Barn catalogs are fake, uninhabited rooms. It is highly possible that the children in Pottery Barn catalogs are also fake.
11. There’s no point in putting shoes on a baby before you drive somewhere—unless you like getting places and discovering that your baby is barefoot and your car has eaten one of the shoes. (If you’re lucky, the shoe will reappear one day, but only after your child has outgrown it.) And the same principle holds true for hair bows.
12. The person who invented baby vitamin drops had no taste buds, and thought babies are stupid. The stuff tastes like motor oil. No self-respecting infant will eat it.
13. Your own mother was a really smart woman after all. (This one’s not ridiculous . . . just true.)
Happy (almost) Mother’s Day to all the smart moms out there.
If you enjoyed this, you’ll also enjoy On Pink Eye, Lice, and Love and The 13 Thou Shalt Nots of the Family Dinner Table.
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Note: A version of this post appeared last year on my old website, and I thought all the new LizzyLife readers would enjoy it!
This is so true, and brilliant! (“Fresh as a landfill in July”. So true).
I experienced the toddler/hair predicament this morning. Wish I had read this yesterday!
Hahahaha
I love this! I just had such a good laugh!! Thank you so much!! I’m winding down for the day and feel like I just ended on a high note!
This made me giggle! I completely relate on all accounts. Thank you, I am greatly enjoying your posts 🙂
I’m so glad!
This is hilarious!! But so well written and so true! You say the things every parent thinks but doesn’t have the nerve to say out loud!! Love it!
Thanks, Lisa! And thanks for the FB share! xoxo
this was so funny although I admit to being stumped over the first one. Finally got it. 😉
Ha, I guess you haven’t had a toddler at your dinner table for a while, Jennie! 😀
Oh my gosh this was AWESOME!!! I shared and pinned… you nailed it, girl!!! And uh, sorry about your taste test in the kitchen. lol
I can’t even TELL you what that moment was like. I still twitch thinking about it, and have NO IDEA how it happened. (And thanks for the shares!)
I may not be a mom. But I’m a nanny. And boy does this resonate!
Ha! So true! After 6 kids I can totally affirm everyone of these. 🙂
I love this!! Ah memories. Especially of #2. LOVE the book cover, lol
Heh heh. The skills we acquire…
I agree with #5! Laundry grows exponentially in the dark.
I laughed so hard reading this…oh, that poor, last, lonely wipe lol.
It’s happened to me SO MANY TIMES.
The.book. What a perfect illustration of what to expect at that age :p
So funny! I especially relate to #6. The things we moms do when no one is looking :).
HILARIOUS! I laughed out loud and can relate to every single one of these! 🙂 I’m stopping by from Christian Women Blogs Unite, and am so glad to have found you! I’m a new follower and will be sharing this hilariousness!
Yay, thank you, Sarah Ann! Glad you enjoyed. 🙂 So great to meet you!
I love your posts, but I’m not a mom, so I’m having trouble imagining why it’s so terrible to mention “hair” to a toddler at the table… If you feel like explaining, I’d love to know! Btw, love your blog 🙂 m
Hahaha, the issue is, the moment you say “hair,” toddlers grab their heads to show you that they know where their hair is…and if they are eating, they smear all their food into their hair. It’s one of those moments where you’re like, “Noooooooooo.” This has happened with my kids so many times! 🙂 Glad you’re enjoying the blog!