Me to my whiny five-year-old, facing off in the kitchen: “I’m sorry, but the kitchen is the No-Whining Zone. If you want to whine about something, you’re going to go have to do it in your bedroom. You can whine all you want in there.”
My five-year-old, heaving a deep sigh and heading toward her bedroom: “Okay.”
Me to myself: Oh, that was clever. Now she’ll leave me alone, and she’ll quickly get bored without an audience for her complaints. THAT will teach her not to whine.
Several days later . . .
My five-year-old, standing beside her closet, sniffling as she looks at the clothes I’m holding out for her: “Mommyyyyy, I don’t waaaant to wear that to school! I don’t liiiiiike it!”
Me: “Hey, what have I told you about whining?”
Five-year-old, her eyes widening in exaggerated innocence: “But Mommy, we’re in my room! You said I could whine in here!”
Me, my mouth flopping open. “Uhhhh . . .”
So much for my clever parenting strategy. Epic fail.
Whining is one of the tricky ailments that can plague our families for years, if we don’t deal with it head-on. And head-on means being firm, consistent, and more persistent than persistent whiners.
How about this lovely scenario—does it sound familiar?
Kid: “Mommy, can I have some candy?”
Mom, distracted, trying to cook dinner while bouncing a fussy baby on one hip: “Uh, no.”
Kid, going squinty-eyed: “Why not?”
Mom, stirring a pot, yelps as spaghetti sauce splatters. Long delay before she answers, in which kid becomes hopeful. Eventually Mom remembers she was having a conversation: “Because it’s close to dinner time.”
Kid’s nostrils flare. Brief pause while kid regroups.
Mom attempts to put baby in bouncer. Baby begins to shriek.
Kid, sensing a moment of distraction and weakness, tries another tactic. Kid bats eyelashes and clasps hands beneath chin, flashing angelic smile:
“But it’s not that close to dinner! I prooooomise I’ll still eat dinner! Pleeeeeease, Mommy?”
Mom mutters to herself, picks up the baby again and starts hunting for a pacifier. Eventually she says, “The answer is still no. No candy.”
Kid, angelic face melting off, replaced by pink-cheeked irritation, bordering on anger: “But I waaaaaaant candy! Pleeeeease can I have candy? Why not? You let my brother have candy all the time! I never get candy! I never get to do what I want!”
Mom: Bites tongue to keep from saying something that gets her kicked out of heaven.
Kid: Descends into moaning, sniffling, and wailing. This could go on for hours.
Sound familiar? Scenes like this have definitely played out in our house before.
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Reasons kids whine
Some children speak most of their sentences with a whiny tone. Every word is shrouded in woe-is-me shadow, as if they are constantly fighting against a world determined to ruin their life. But if we don’t deal with their tone and—more importantly—their attitude, they keep doing it. Like, forever.
Some kids are naturally more whiny than others:
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maybe they are more sensitive or emotional;
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maybe they have an over-developed sense of fairness;
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maybe they hate not getting their way;
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maybe they tend to be ungrateful for what they have and what you give;
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maybe they don’t feel that their objections or feelings are heard.
Whatever their reason, we do them no favors by allowing them to persist in a whiny, the-world-is-against-me attitude. Remember That Girl in high school, the one who complained about everything? Sometimes known as Debbie Downer? We don’t want our kids to grow up to be That Girl!
I have a theory about kids who become “long-term whiners”: They become that way when we let them. If their whining is either rewarded or allowed, they keep it up. The earlier we show our kids that whining is a dead-end, the sooner they will stop.
Here are two mistakes we often make in dealing with whining:
1-Accidentally rewarding whininess by giving kids what they want, without stopping to address their whiny tone and the attitude behind it. I usually do this when I’m distracted and in a hurry, and not paying full attention to the way the child is speaking. (I pick up the whiny toddler without making her stop crying and ask nicely; I hand food first to the kid who complains the loudest and most convincingly about imminent starvation; I tie the four-year-old’s shoes without reminding her to stop rolling around the floor moaning and just ask me nicely for help.)
2-Ignoring (and therefore allowing) “background whining.” What’s background whining? It’s when a kid is off in another part of the room, moaning and complaining. Because they aren’t doing it to our face, we don’t notice it as much. After a while, it just becomes part of the background noise in our household. We can’t even hear it anymore.
We can avoid these mistakes by remembering two simple principles:
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When we reward whining, kids keep doing it.
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When we ignore whining, we allow it by default.
The attitude behind the tone
Persistent whining can be an outward symptom of an inward problem: a heart problem. It can be a symptom of ingratitude, or resentment, or selfishness, and sometimes even rebellion.
Keep in mind that disappointment is natural and normal, and we shouldn’t expect our kids to jump for joy whenever we say “no.” But there is a line they can’t cross. If their disappointment descends into whining and complaining, then they’ve crossed that line. Children have to learn to acknowledge disappointment, but then choose acceptance and a respectful attitude anyway.
God calls children to honor their parents. When children whine and moan and wail and huff and stomp about our decisions, they are not honoring us. In a way, they are resisting our authority by complaining about our rules and decisions. Some kids are even trying to wear down our resolve and manipulate us into changing our minds so they can have their way.
Remember, it is our God-given responsibility to say “no” sometimes, and to teach our children about boundaries. It is their responsibility to submit to our authority and accept our decisions. They won’t always like our decisions, but they do have to accept them with a respectful attitude. Keep this in mind: If they can’t accept our rules and authority with a submissive, surrendered spirit, how will they ever submit to God’s rules and authority? (Because they won’t always like God’s rules, either!)
Here are 7 simple strategies for dealing with whininess:
1-You can begin teaching toddlers not to whine pretty early (think 15-18 months for most kids). Teach them either to say or sign “please” when they want something. That one simple step will make a big difference! And don’t reward their whining by picking them up or giving them what they want when they cry, pitch a fit, or demand it rudely. Teach them to ask as calmly as they can, and to say “please.” They won’t do this perfectly, of course, but the sooner you implement it and the more consistent you are, the more quickly they will learn.
2-For little ones (ages two to six), implement a lot of “do-overs.” I have often told my kids, “No, you don’t get what you want when you ask like that. Try it like this . . .” And then I demonstrate how to ask in a pleasant tone of voice. They might have to try again five times before they finally get it right! We usually end up laughing while we’re doing this, because I make it silly—“Oh lovely and generous Mommy who is the best cook in the world, may I please have one of your divine brownies?”—but it’s a lighthearted way to get the message across.
3-This trick works great for younger kids who are persistent whiners—repeat offenders. When they ask you for something with a whiny, complaining voice, try this: Tell them that because they whined, they don’t get what they want right now. Set a timer for 2-10 minutes (depending on the child’s age), and then when the timer goes off, they can make their request again, with a different attitude.
4-With persistent whiners, don’t just address the behavior. Take your teaching to the heart level. Discuss their attitude: What’s the root of the whining? Older kids may need to discuss their feelings or questions, but then help them choose a different attitude and perspective.
5-Encourage gratitude. The more grateful our kids are, the less they will whine. (Need ideas for how to do this? Here’s a fantastic post about 11 Ways to Raise a Grateful Child.)
6-Don’t try to make everything fair all the time. Kids who expect fairness and equality with siblings or neighbors or classmates will end up constantly feeling cheated, and will end up with a chip on their shoulder.
7-Listen to yourself, too. Kids need to feel heard. If you are an overly authoritative parent, and you rarely explain or discuss your rules and decisions with your older children, you may be frustrating them. If you don’t take the time to talk them through difficult decisions and rules that they don’t like or understand, then you may be frustrating them. If you don’t let them explain how they feel and ask some respectful questions, you may be frustrating them. The Bible tells us not to exasperate our children (Ephesians 6:4). Now to be clear: These are NOT the kinds of conversations you should have with a two- or three-year-old—you cannot and should not attempt to reason with kids that young—but with older kids, a good discussion may be in order. Sometimes “Because I said so” is a perfectly fine answer. Kids have to accept our right to make choices “just because,” without justifying our every decision. But at other times, an explanation will go a long way in helping an older child’s attitude.
Great tips! I do the do-overs with my 3 and 4yo’s, and will try some of the other tips. Thanks1
This is an awesome post, Elizabeth! Would you share it tomorrow on #ThursdayTheologyBlogs blog hop on my blog? It should go up around midnight tonight. We would love to have some practical, Godly parenting posts shared with us!!!
Happy to share it, Carrie Ann! I love your Thursday Theology Blog posts! 🙂
Great article with wonderful practical suggestions on how to deal with whining! Loved it!
THANK YOU! I’m sharing on FB to reference over and over. My little one is 14 months and we are working on signing please as we speak! I’ll be sure to reference this through her stages!
So glad this was helpful! Oh my goodness—14 months is just an EDIBLE age!
Good stuff , I will be sharing to have it on hand and to hopefully help other mommies!
Oh those examples are spot on! You shared some wise advice here Elizabeth! Thank you for that!
Thank you! Great strategies! This is so incredibly helpful!!! I keep referencing to your strategies and suggestions to help me address the whining. I think it’s working:-)
YAY, so glad they are helping!
So helpful! Never realized that ignoring is allowing the behavior! Nor did I think I needed to explain myself to my ten year old! Definitely an eye opener THANKS
Glad it helps! I do think the older kids get, the more it helps their attitude when they understand why we make certain decisions and rules. Sometimes, they need to be okay with “because I said so,” but that can’t ALWAYS be our reason, or older kids get frustrated. It’s a balance. They need to respect and trust us enough to accept “because I said so” with a good attitude (because hey–sometimes that IS the reason!) but when they have genuine questions, it helps if we can talk it through.
This has been a struggle in my home recently especially with my oldest who just turned 5. I feel as though she is really struggling with entitlement and ungratefulness. I think your tips are great especially when I can “say yes” to what she is asking and just focus on being more consistent in addressing the way she is asking but we struggle more when the answer is no and the whining continues on and sometimes develops into a full on fit.
I’m glad this helped! Yes, the fits are a challenge for us too! I think it helps when you have a consistent painful consequence for temper tantrums, whatever that consequence means for your family (and different consequences work best for different kids). You definitely want to have something in place that discourages them from “losing it” when they get a “no”—something that teaches them to develop control over their emotions. We’ve had to experiment with different things with each child to see what works best for them.
I’m very blessed to have read this, thank you so much. ? I have a 1 year and 7 month old daughter and she’s been expressing ways of whining like crying and lying on the floor at the same time if she doesn’t get what she want. She’s just learning to talk and can’t express much yet. All I do this time is leave her crying until she stops but not giving in to her wants. After which I’ll talk to her but I don’t know if she gets it.? Am I doing the right thing or do you have any suggestions to do about it? ? Your reply is very much appreciated. ☺ God bless you more
Hi Maureene! It’s a good idea not to reward the behavior—it will likely take her a while to really grow in this area, since part of her frustration comes from not being able to verbally express what she wants and needs. She may not understand EVERYTHING you are saying, but she DOES understand that you are telling her it’s not okay to fall on the floor and cry when she doesn’t get her way. That’s an important lesson. When my youngest was your daughter’s age, her vocabulary and pronunciation were limited, so we taught her the sign for “please.” I always made sure she signed “please” when she wanted something, and that was a helpful step in teaching her to “ask” nicely and not throw a fit. Just keep being consistent in how you handle whining and fits, and you will help her to develop self-control and to mature in her emotions. It will take time and patience, but you are on the right track! <3