13 Ridiculous Things Smart Moms Understand


when you give a toddler a pen
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1. Why you never say the word hair at the table while a toddler is eating.
2. How to make the one last baby wipe in the container do things one poor lonely wipe was never intended to do.
3. The complex mechanics, athleticism, and grace required to cradle a sanity-saving cup of coffee in one hand while backing through a narrow doorway, holding the door open with your rear end, all while steering the stroller one-handed and herding a second (and possibly third and fourth, God help us) child(ren) with a spare pinky finger.
4. Diaper pails DO NOT WORK, no matter how expensive they are, or how extravagant their claims about how the aerodynamic pail also serves as a night light, smoke detector and life raft, and how it can count the number of dirty diapers in Chinese, Spanish, and Arabic, and trap odor and lock it inside a fresh-scented bag. Fresh-scented, my foot. Fresh as a landfill in July.
5. Dirty laundry breeds in the night.
6. There really is no need to rinse off a pacifier that falls to the ground, unless other people are around to watch you and judge your parenting.
7. All those “experts” who claim they know how to get kids to eat a well-rounded diet filled with exotic organic vegetables every color of the rainbow are either a) lying, or b) engaging in dangerous force-feeding behavior, most likely involving pliers.
8. Those white outfits we can’t resist buying our children because they look oh-so-adorable in family beach photos . . . yeah, they’ll only be worn once. After that, they’ll be brown and white polka-dotted outfits. (We understand this . . . but still we buy them. Blame your friends’ daggum beach photos.)
9. You should never sniff or lick any brown substance you find on your kitchen table, even if you’re SURE it is chocolate pudding. (Yep. Learned this the hard way.)
10. The kids’ rooms in Pottery Barn catalogs are fake, uninhabited rooms. It is highly possible that the children in Pottery Barn catalogs are also fake.
11. There’s no point in putting shoes on a baby before you drive somewhere—unless you like getting places and discovering that your baby is barefoot and your car has eaten one of the shoes. (If you’re lucky, the shoe will reappear one day, but only after your child has outgrown it.) And the same principle holds true for hair bows.
12. The person who invented baby vitamin drops had no taste buds, and thought babies are stupid. The stuff tastes like motor oil. No self-respecting infant will eat it.
13. Your own mother was a really smart woman after all. (This one’s not ridiculous . . . just true.)

Happy (almost) Mother’s Day to all the smart moms out there. 

If you enjoyed this, you’ll also enjoy On Pink Eye, Lice, and Love and The 13 Thou Shalt Nots of the Family Dinner Table. 

Before you leave, don’t forget to subscribe to my monthly newsletter. As a welcome gift, you’ll receive seven two-minute devotions to do around the breakfast table with your kids! And every month, you’ll get a newsletter with parenting tips. You can subscribe here, or in the widget in the left sidebar.

Note: A version of this post appeared last year on my old website, and I thought all the new LizzyLife readers would enjoy it!

Author: Elizabeth Laing Thompson VIEW ALL AUTHORS POSTS

Elizabeth works from home as a writer, editor, diaper changer, baby snuggler, laundry slayer, not-so-gourmet chef, kid chauffeur, floor mopper, dog groomer, and tantrum tamer. She is always tired, but it's mostly the good kind.

26 comments

Comments
  • Jonathan L December 3, 2014 at 7:33 pm

    This is so true, and brilliant! (“Fresh as a landfill in July”. So true).

  • Erika April 28, 2015 at 1:51 am

    I experienced the toddler/hair predicament this morning. Wish I had read this yesterday!

    • Elizabeth Laing Thompson April 28, 2015 at 5:18 pm

      Hahahaha

  • Jessica April 28, 2015 at 4:29 am

    I love this! I just had such a good laugh!! Thank you so much!! I’m winding down for the day and feel like I just ended on a high note!

  • Ashley @ achildseyes April 28, 2015 at 4:44 am

    This made me giggle! I completely relate on all accounts. Thank you, I am greatly enjoying your posts 🙂

    • Elizabeth Laing Thompson April 28, 2015 at 5:19 pm

      I’m so glad!

  • Lisa Laing April 28, 2015 at 12:51 pm

    This is hilarious!! But so well written and so true! You say the things every parent thinks but doesn’t have the nerve to say out loud!! Love it!

    • Elizabeth Laing Thompson April 28, 2015 at 5:19 pm

      Thanks, Lisa! And thanks for the FB share! xoxo

  • Jennie Goutet April 28, 2015 at 1:07 pm

    this was so funny although I admit to being stumped over the first one. Finally got it. 😉

    • Elizabeth Laing Thompson April 28, 2015 at 5:17 pm

      Ha, I guess you haven’t had a toddler at your dinner table for a while, Jennie! 😀

  • Chris Carter April 28, 2015 at 2:40 pm

    Oh my gosh this was AWESOME!!! I shared and pinned… you nailed it, girl!!! And uh, sorry about your taste test in the kitchen. lol

    • Elizabeth Laing Thompson April 28, 2015 at 5:18 pm

      I can’t even TELL you what that moment was like. I still twitch thinking about it, and have NO IDEA how it happened. (And thanks for the shares!)

  • Ashley April 28, 2015 at 2:48 pm

    I may not be a mom. But I’m a nanny. And boy does this resonate!

  • Susan April 28, 2015 at 3:49 pm

    Ha! So true! After 6 kids I can totally affirm everyone of these. 🙂

  • Gina B April 28, 2015 at 4:28 pm

    I love this!! Ah memories. Especially of #2. LOVE the book cover, lol

    • Elizabeth Laing Thompson April 28, 2015 at 5:18 pm

      Heh heh. The skills we acquire…

  • Anneil April 28, 2015 at 7:07 pm

    I agree with #5! Laundry grows exponentially in the dark.

  • KC April 28, 2015 at 10:40 pm

    I laughed so hard reading this…oh, that poor, last, lonely wipe lol.

    • Elizabeth Laing Thompson April 28, 2015 at 11:56 pm

      It’s happened to me SO MANY TIMES.

  • karen April 28, 2015 at 10:44 pm

    The.book. What a perfect illustration of what to expect at that age :p

  • Wendy April 28, 2015 at 11:17 pm

    So funny! I especially relate to #6. The things we moms do when no one is looking :).

  • Sarah Ann April 29, 2015 at 1:26 am

    HILARIOUS! I laughed out loud and can relate to every single one of these! 🙂 I’m stopping by from Christian Women Blogs Unite, and am so glad to have found you! I’m a new follower and will be sharing this hilariousness!

    • Elizabeth Laing Thompson April 29, 2015 at 1:35 am

      Yay, thank you, Sarah Ann! Glad you enjoyed. 🙂 So great to meet you!

  • Stacy S April 30, 2015 at 5:59 am

    I love your posts, but I’m not a mom, so I’m having trouble imagining why it’s so terrible to mention “hair” to a toddler at the table… If you feel like explaining, I’d love to know! Btw, love your blog 🙂 m

    • Elizabeth Laing Thompson April 30, 2015 at 11:57 am

      Hahaha, the issue is, the moment you say “hair,” toddlers grab their heads to show you that they know where their hair is…and if they are eating, they smear all their food into their hair. It’s one of those moments where you’re like, “Noooooooooo.” This has happened with my kids so many times! 🙂 Glad you’re enjoying the blog!

  • 13 Reasons Moms Never Get Haircuts May 22, 2015 at 3:43 pm

    […] 13 Ridiculous Things Smart Moms Understand […]

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