1. Make plaid flannel pajamas look sultry.
2. Run gracefully along the beach on a grey winter morn wearing boots, and not get that “Ohmigosh I’ve got sand in my socks, and I just twisted my ankle” look that normal people get.
3. Wear hats without getting staticky hair.
4. Gaze out of a frosted window beside their fake spouse, both wearing matching turtlenecks, and somehow look cozy, not corny.
5. Sit around the house in matchy-matchy pj’s and look romantic and festive, not disheveled.
6. Wear belted mom jeans and tucked-in button-downs and look . . . well, not great, but certainly better than you or I would look. I imagine a lot of trick lighting and safety pins are involved.
7. Wear flimsy, sequined dresses with leg warmers and boots, and somehow make it work. (Exhibit A: The Nordstrom catalog. Exhibit B: The J. Crew catalog. Exhibit C: Me. I rest my case.)
8. Pose for a photo alone in front of a Christmas tree, and not get labeled “That Poor Girl Whose Date Ducked Out of the Party Early.”
9. Grimace or growl at the camera. This is not socially acceptable in other settings—only models can get away with it.
10. Wear ear muffs and look cute. (Okay, NOT. I’m not sure anyone looks fantastic in ear muffs—except maybe those platinum blonde Swedish models who pose on ski lifts and such. I guess if you’re Swedish, and have ice-blue eyes, and ski lifts are your native habitat, you were genetically designed to look good in ear muffs.)
11. Jump and kick their heels in the air while walking through random Christmas tree farms and scenic meadows. Non-models end up arrested or medicated for such behavior.
12. Wear 16 ethnic necklaces, 13 bangle bracelets, 5 watches (and perhaps even a Santa hat) and not look over-accessorized.
13. Drink many mugs of what appears to be steaming coffee, and yet maintain a mouthful of blindingly white teeth. (Perhaps the secret is to lovingly caress the mug as models do in catalogs, but never actually sip the coffee.)