If you’ve read The Thirteenth Summer, you know that Crystal Waters’s name is a source of constant humiliation for her. But Crystal is far from being the only kid inflicted with a bizarre name by her famous parent. Check out these real life celebrity kid names—some of them are so out there, they make Crystal Waters sound like the most normal name in the world:
1. Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurman-Busson: daughter of Uma Thurman and Arpad Busson.
Well, with parents named Uma and Arpad, I guess we shouldn’t be surprised by this one. But I have to say: This is Uma’s third child, and most parents start to run out of names after the third or fourth kid—but not Uma! Almost makes you wonder if she’s going to crank out another five or six babies, just for the joy of naming them . . .
2. Zowie: David and Angela Bowie.
This one sounds like one of those bubble comments in comic books: Bam! Zap! Zowie! Perhaps this kid will be a superhero one day.
3. Poppy Honey, Daisy Boo, and Petal Blossom Rainbow: Jamie Oliver and Jools Oliver.
Crystal’s best friend Alexis has the only appropriate response to these names, so I’ll borrow her word: Double-wow.
4. Tu Morrow: Rob Morrow.
Now that’s just wrong. Kind of like naming your kid Crystal Waters.
5. George Jr., George III, George IV, George V, George VI: George Forman.
No, this isn’t a joke. Leave it to a boxer to need all five of his sons to be named after him. Somebody buy that man a Baby Names Book!
6. Blue Ivy: Beyonce and Jay-Z.
I had no idea ivy could be blue, but perhaps there’s a celebrity-only hybrid strain.
7. Harper Seven: David and Victoria Beckham.
You know how hard it is for celebrity kids to find their own identity in their famous parents’ shadow? Let’s hope this kid is confident enough to appreciate being partly named for her dad’s Manchester United number.
8. Reignbeau: Ving Rhames and Deborah Reed.
Get it? Rainbow? Spelled all funky and celebrity-ish? What is it with celebrities that they can’t settle for the spellings that the rest of us normal people use? They just have to invent their own creative celebrity version.
9. Kahekili Kali: Evangeline Lily and Norman Kali.
So I read that Kahekili means “Thunder” in Hawaiian. Given the choice between being called Thunder or Kahekili . . . um, I don’t know what I’d pick. Good luck, kiddo.
10. Happy Hinds: Macy Grey and Tracy Hinds.
I don’t dare comment on this one.
11. Daisy True Ryan: Meg Ryan.
I have to say, this one’s pretty cute. If you have to be named by a celebrity parent, this isn’t so bad.
12. Bingham “Bing” Hawn Bellamy: Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy.
I just don’t know how this boy is going to feel about being called “Bing” his whole life. I’m concerned that he might start to feel like a doorbell after a while. But then again, the name worked for Bing Crosby (of course that was a different era) . . .
13. Ocean, Sonnet, True, and Autumn Whitaker: Forest Whitaker.
Now THAT’S a set of sibling names for you.