You can learn a lot of useful life lessons from watching America’s Funniest Home Videos:
1. If you hold a baby up to your face, they will vomit in your mouth.
2. If you hold a naked baby’s hind parts anywhere near your face… heaven help you.
3. If you dance on a table, it will collapse.
4. Little boys always have to pee-pee really, really bad during school musicals.
5. Do not let Grandma blow out her birthday candles. Her dentures will escape.
6. The following things do not mix well together:
~Brides and swimming pools
~Children, baseball bats, and their fathers’—um—delicate areas
~Children, piñatas, and (see above)
~Large people and porch swings
~Ring bearers, flower girls, and dance floors
~Teenage boys and wheeled objects of any kind (This includes, but is not limited to: bikes, skateboards, tractors, pickup trucks, and VW vans from 1978)
~Teenage boys, wheeled objects, and ramps of any kind
~Twenty-something men, video cameras, and weightlifting (Translation: Twenty-something men who are FILMING THEMSELVES working out—usually with no shirt on—which is just wrong, on so many levels.)
~Middle-aged men and rope swings
~Any-aged men and poopy diapers
~Old men and snow
7. If someone with a video camera gives you a lottery ticket, and you win: It is a trick. You didn’t win the lottery. Your “friend” is just mean.
8. 31 burps in 30 seconds is always awesome.
9. Do not sneeze into a bowl of flour.
10. Women in the 80s and 90s all wore floral dresses with bibs, and had horrible hair. Truly. It’s like a whole generation stuck their fingers in electric sockets.
11. Do not get a pet ferret.
12. If you insist on getting a pet ferret, do not hold said ferret up to your face. Unless you were planning on getting a nose job anyway.
13. Come to think of it, do not hold anything up to your face anywhere near a video camera (see #1, #2, #12, and #13). You’re just asking to be on America’s Funniest Home Videos.